Photo by Alex Shute
The three hardest words to say aren’t “I love you,” but “I don’t know.”
And 2020, 2021, and most of 2022 there’s a lot we simply do not know.
Control. We love to feel as if it exists in our lives. Admitting you don’t know something makes us uncomfortable for this reason. No one wants to admit that they’re just out here winging it!
As I approach my 3rd birthday in Covid-times, I’ve taken some time to reflect.
I’m not the same person I was when this started. No one is. There’s no such thing as “going back to normal.” If anyone tells you they’ve lived this experience and are completely unchanged, that’s merely a manifestation of their denial.
No one, I mean literally no one, is the same as they were before March 2020. Does that mean that all of the changes are negative or catastrophic? Absolutely not!
Some folks learned what, and who, they wanted in their lives.
Others were forced to finally leave toxic situations in search of mental and emotional peace.
Some people intentionally had babies because, and this is only a guess, the idea of creating something beautiful and yours in the midst of such chaos and uncertainty felt like a risk worth taking.
Others made banana bread.
Heck! My entire guest room has become part-pantry and part-storage for all of the shoes I compulsively ordered from September 2020 until January 2021.
Everyone changed.
Quick aside: I realized, after a few journal sessions, that I bought shoes as a reminder to my brain that I’d eventually wear them outside one day. Also, we started stockpiling our pantry because for the first time in my life, I didn’t have immediate access to the supermarket (during lockdown) and food insecurity is not something anyone should ever be comfortable with.
I think there’s way too much emphasis on “how to get back to the before times” and not enough acceptance of how to navigate the current times.
I’m calling for grace; grace with ourselves and grace with others.
I’m one of the best friends you’ll ever have in your life. I say that with zero doubts.
I also acknowledge that the level of emotional maturity, intelligence and reciprocity I expect of my inner circle is high. It’s nothing that I don’t also give in return, but yeah, I’ve got pretty high standards for myself and those I associate with.
That said, I didn’t do everything right in the pandemic.
I could’ve checked in more. I placed boundaries before where there were none. I wasn’t as available because, well, I wasn’t leaving my house. I was navigating losing a friendship, dealing with change on so many levels, and a myriad of other things.
I missed friends’ bachelorette parties, baby showers, graduations and even a wedding.
I’m not happy or proud. Duty is my brand. I’m loyal and dutiful even when it hurts. I’m a Type 1 Enneagram, and I share the same Meyers-Briggs as Angela Merkel and Hermione Granger if that gives you an idea.
So, when I know I’ve wronged someone I apologize. And I took time to do that today. I gave an earnest apology for not being available to accompany a friend to a doctor’s appointment in the pre-vaccine stage of the pandemic.
I was getting really down on myself about it, especially since the apology was left on read, until I realized: we all did our freaking best, and now is not the time for grudges.
There was no blueprint. There were no instructions on how to navigate our first global pandemic. I never knew what it meant to be in government-sanctioned lockdown 7 hours away from my family on a different continent, with patrol cars in my neighborhood enforcing curfews. I didn’t know what it would mean to spend 24 hours a day, 7 days a week with my partner in a European-sized apartment.
Everything changed.
We changed.
Whether or not someone tells you openly, please understand this: we’re all traumatized. We’re carrying new baggage, new fears, newly-developed phobias, invisible hurt and dozens of tiny emotional wounds that aren’t visible to the human eye.
We need to treat people with grace.
We’re all learning to live again, and what that entails changes constantly.
Before the pandemic, I was already an introvert navigating general anxiety, social anxiety, germaphobia and health anxiety.
Now, I’m all of that, while also running my own business, dealing with demanding clients, trying to get enough vitamin D, taking space when I can to recharge because I live where I work.
And honest to God, I’m so blessed. I’m one of the privileged folks who made career advancements, avoided the frontlines, didn’t get sick, and didn’t lose anyone I love— and yet, I too am traumatized by all of this.
Grace.
Story Time: I went to my first indoor event in 2 years.
Spoiler: ‘twas chaotic.
50 people in a room, laughing drinking, socializing, and then there’s me: straddling the balcony door, wondering if I’ve been there for 45 minutes yet, and how I’d make a discreet exit.
Someone literally told me I looked sweaty. Now, you and I both know that was probably moisturizer, cause I’m a slug kween, but still.
I was confused. I felt so weird. Why was everyone else so calm in a situation that for me presented very blatant risks? Had I stayed in the bunker too long? (Kimmy Schmidt reference) Are we “in the clear” and I’m just being dramatic?
Is it moi? Am I the drama?
I can’t apologize for my instincts. They keep me safe. I know that just because people wish this “was over” doesn’t change the reality that we’re not 100% out of this situation yet. So, I left. I took myself for boba tea and vegan pizza on a terrace and called it a night.
At first, I felt ashamed, like I had failed, then I realized: doing what you think is right, what feels correct, should never make you feel bad.
Grace.
People are going to move at their own pace. People have new likes, new fears and new boundaries.
When we don’t adjust to the current version of the people we love, it’s not only unfair to them, but also constraining. We’re not the same. I used to consider 50 people an intimate affair, a kiki amongst friends! Now, I won’t even breathe the same air.
It’s quite literally is what it is.
My final point is just, if you’re mad that your friend didn’t come to your potluck dinner in August 2021, or missed your wedding or was too afraid to fly with you on a weekend trip, don’t be.
Learn how to show grace, hold space for people with all their complexities and let’s leave pandemic grudges in the past. They’re so very February 2020. * eye roll *
Normal is an illusion. Control doesn’t exist. Anxiety is real. Trauma is palpable. And people are just trying to look as if they have it all together, so be kind.
Literally, we’re all thinking the same thing: “I don’t fkn know!?”
