Photo by Thought Catalog
We all know that one person…
I just find it funny that we’re taught algebra, and world history in school, but not practical skills like for example, how to file taxes, how to change a tire and how to spot toxic relationships in our lives.
Toxic relationships look different for different people. What I do want to make clear is that toxicity is more than physical abuse.
I repeat: just because someone doesn’t hit your physical person, doesn’t mean they aren’t toxic.
My recommendation is to take a very long, hard look at what you offer as a friend to others. What are your most valued traits? How do you treat the people around you? What do you expect from those you love and trust? Do you give what you expect of others?
Example: You want someone who listens to you, not just hears you. That said, when the shoe is on the other foot, you rush through your friend’s dilemma in hopes of changing the subject. That’s not fair. That’s one-sided. That’s not how you want to be treated, so why would your friend?
I’m speaking from experience, so in full transparency, I’ll be using examples from my own life. I hope that they provide context and eventually closure to anyone out there navigating toxic friendships.
In case there was any doubt in your mind: You deserve better.
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6 Signs of a Toxic Friend
Your other relationships suffer
While it’s true that not all of your friends need to form one, big, In Living Color friend group, if you notice a pattern that most—if not all— your other relationships have a problem with this one friend, it’s worth looking into. Why? Because they care about you. Also, they have no reason to lie to you. Also, also, they’re probably able to see things more clearly and objectively than you can.
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Example: You find yourself needing to preface seeing your toxic friend to others to justify your interactions with them. You unknowingly become a mediator between the two groups trying to predict and put out fires before they even happen.
Your confidence and self-esteem aren’t what they should be
Friends who care about you build you up. They support you. They call you out when you need it. What they don’t do is make you question your worth, your value, your importance in their life. Toxic friends give you back-handed compliments or pepper your conversations with forced enthusiasm. If you have a friend who treats you like furniture; as in, they could take you or leave you, leave them. Go! Walk away from that relationship.
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Example: You bring an idea to a friend, and they immediately shut it down, or even worse, they barely pay attention to what you’re saying. They make unnecessary comparisons between you and others which leaves you feeling unsure or inadequate. You feel invisible around them, like the Robin to their Batman, or the bored dude holding the purse out of frame. I once had a friend ask me every 3-6 months: why are we still friends? Talk about a confidence booster! Should I have spotted that giant, waving, fiery red flag? Absolutely. Whoops.
Your interactions with them leave you drained
This one really hits home for me. I’ve had toxic friends where after “hanging out” for a few hours, I needed a nap, silence and a quick meditation to feel like myself again. Some people thrive off of drama. Others appreciate spontaneity and unpredictability. I am not one of those people. You know the people who tell you about a trip to the supermarket, and how that ended with them meeting a stranger, and then having sex in a parked car on the beach? Personally, I don’t need a three-hour-long saga to share to feel that my life is fascinating. These types of interactions make you feel heavy, and that’s not how you want to feel after seeing or talking with a friend.
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Example: Even the simplest interactions turn into something dramatic. You ask your friend to housesit for you. 3 hours before they arrive, they in turn ask if they can invite a guy they’ve met once to sleep over at your house while you’re away. So now you’re put in an awkward position of mom-friend-practical adult: you’re leaving the country, and no, you don’t want a strange man having sex on your couch. But you also feel like this isn’t something that you should have to explain to your friend. There’s no time to discuss further than a ‘no’, as your plane leaves at 5 a.m. Toxic + unnecessary.
You’re way too familiar with (emotional) manipulation
Intellectual bullying: “This isn’t your area of expertise, so I wouldn’t expect you to understand…” Martyr behavior: “You think you have it bad? Your family comes from money! I’ve had to go through X, X, and X!” Passive aggressive language: “I’m so grateful you voiced your concerns, and I wish you nothing but the best moving forward.” Ultimatums: “Would you rather be friends and not work together, or work together and not be friends?” The silent treatment: “Sorry I haven’t spoken to you for a couple of weeks, and didn’t tell you why. I just wasn’t in a space to communicate with anyone…but I’m here now, so what’s up?!”
Gaslighting. Being “too calm” in stressful situations. Guilt trips. “Just joking” when they’re criticizing you. You name it!
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Example: One sign of emotional manipulation is the need to establish control. One tactic people often use is to make you speak first. I had a toxic friend who would ask terribly heavy questions like: “what value do you bring to our friendship?” and then simply force me to answer first. That is emotional manipulation 101: forcing someone to share their thoughts first so that they’re not caught off-guard while responding may work in business, but has no place in friendships. Ugh.
They don’t respect boundaries
Toxic friends do not respect boundaries. They demand your full attention. They do not check in to see how you are before dumping whatever sopping wet, heaping pile of dirty, smelly drama at your doorstep. Your conversations revolve around them. Your interactions must be convenient for them. You are the one piece in the equation which is always expected to bend, mold, shape, shrink and adapt.
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Example: “I know we haven’t seen each other for a few months, so maybe you could meet me at the train station while I have a 2-hour window between trips just to say ‘hi’?” *The train station is also 1-hour from your house, and you have work all day, but no worries!
They steamroll your feelings with “good vibes”
Have you ever tried to voice your concerns with someone who immediately downplays what you’re saying, and masks their ambivalence with “positivity”. You could say “hey, I cut off my thumb!” and they’d respond with “at least you have a spare one!” When you express hurt feelings, they insist on rushing through to get back to “the fun part”.
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Know this: you have the right to voice your concerns, and anyone who cares about you, won’t shove good vibes down your throat while you’re trying to speak.
Bonus: They apologize, without sincerity
Apologizing is one way we show remorse and empathy to people we care about. It’s how you show you understand the consequences of your actions, and how you show the other person that despite your best intentions, you realize you hurt them. There are a few ways toxic people apologize.
1. “I’m sorry.”
2. “I’m sorry, can we just move past this and be friends again?”
3. “I’m sorry, BUT, I feel like I can’t do anything right without you feeling hurt or upset and it’s really difficult for me.”
4. “I’m sorry if you may have interpreted my actions as hurtful, and I’m sorry you felt hurt by how you perceived my words and behavior.”
Spoiler: all 4 suck.
It’s hard to see the full picture when your nose is pressed against the glass. I know for a fact that I’m a fully-functioning, mature, kind, and generous friend, yet I too have fallen into the trap of toxic friendships. Not all were devastating, but they all did take their toll on me. It’s difficult to leave them because you wonder what will fill the space they leave behind.
Do it anyway. Whatever fills that space will be better than the trail of toxicity these energy vampires have left behind. Trust.
